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Saving your marriage - Divorce secrets - Should you stay or go - Mens divorce secrets - Helping women facing divorce - Divorce and women | ||
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Rebuilding Your Life from the Ashes
One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are built on a negative foundation. A stepfamily couple comes to their new home with a full set of baggage, containing memories, wounds, and habits. Probably the biggest piece of baggage that sits in the way of your developing a new life is your connection to your ex?spouse. And, while some ex-es go away physically, many more haunt your life as well as your memories. One of the great mysteries of divorce and remarriage is why many ex-spouses just refuse to turn loose. It has been said that divorce is the single cruelest thing one person can do to another person. The one soul you trusted more than any other with your secrets, your hopes, and your weaknesses turns from their vows and wrenches themselves from your living heart. The phenomenon of the spiteful, vengeful ex-spouse is such a problem that the majority of emails we receive are on that subject. However, in working with thousands of stepfamilies around the world, we've found two facts to be true about dealing with these vindictive ex-es (and they're nearly always ex-wives!): 1) The kids see the truth. Kids aren't stupid. And, although they have a natural tendency to defend even the worst bio-parent, they can see for themselves when adults lie and use them. They see both sides of the story, in both homes. These kids know what your personalities are like, versus her personality. And they are keeping track of everything she tells them that doesn't add up. Now, this doesn't mean that you can use this fact to try to turn the kids to your side. You must behave in the most Christian manner you can. Which leads to one of our Cardinal Rules: Never Criticize Your Stepkids' Other Parent In Front of the Kids. She may actually be a psychopathic shrew or he may indeed be an alcoholic abuser, but if you criticize those monsters where the kids can hear you, those kids will defend them-either aloud or in their minds. 2) Wicked ex-es are not as strong as God. This is a weapon you can use for your defense and against them. If you present the best example of a selfless, loving, gentle Christian stepparent that you possibly can, your stepkids will be able to see and feel the difference in spirit between love and hate. Also, if you constantly return kindness for every time she is mean to you, you will wear her down. These are not "pie in the sky" dreams. I've seen them happen in my own stepfamily and in many others. It is a Christian concept, but it's also fundamental nature. You are not responsible for how she acts toward you. You are only responsible for how you act ... or react ... toward her. Act in such a way that you can feel comfortable with yourself. Show those kids how a real woman handles problems-with strength and self control! While it is sometimes necessary to stand up to vindictive ex-es, the only approach I have ever seen to be completely effective in securing a peaceful home in relation to your ex-spouse is to reach out in love. Now, I'm not throwing flowers around and saying everyone will get just along together. But I am saying that it's pretty much impossible to fight with someone who won't fight back. I'll fall back on some sage advice which says that, "If we only love our friends and hate our enemies, how are we any better than them? But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you." Look at it this way, if you simply react to your ex-es attacks every time he or she says something about you, who is in control of your life? Your ex is. However, if, no matter what they say about you or do to you, you refuse to stoop to their level, if you insist on acting in a superior manner, you-not your ex-are still in control of your mind and life. Jesus wasn't teaching, in the above passage from Matthew, chapter 5, that we are supposed to be wimps. On the contrary, it takes much more courage and character to answer an attack with an attempt to make peace. It is harder, but it is more rewarding. The only sure way to win is to get everyone on the same side. by Bobby Collins copyright 2000 Bobby Collins is a stepdad first, then a minister, a certified family mediator, and founder of STEP-Carefully! for Stepparents!, the largest faith-based support organization for stepfamilies in the country. His articles have appeared in national publications and he has appeared on national TV and radio programs always teaching stepparents how to have healthier, happier families. His organization can be reached on the Internet at http://www.stepcarefully .com where visitors will find free articles, a free newsletter, and a book store with proven stepfamily resources for sale. Collins is best known for his private family mediation between husbands and wives, ex-spouses, and stepparents and their stepkids. With over a decade of experience, he has helped thousands of stepfamilies survive and succeed. Contact him directly at coach@stepcareful ly.com
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RELATED ARTICLES
Anatomy of a Divorce: How it Really Works The legal divorce vs. your real divorce The legal divorce has very limited concerns: to get a judgment of divorce, you have to make arrangements for your property, your children, and support (if any). If you have a high degree of conflict, it is also about keeping the peace and protecting you, your children and your property. That's it; that's all the legal divorce is about. The law is used to impose a decision in your case only when there is a disagreement that has been brought into court. If you can reach a fair written agreement with your spouse, you can get almost any terms you like without much reference to laws. But, where children are concerned, a judge might take a look at your terms to make sure they are reasonably well supported and protected. All you get from your legal divorce is a piece of paper--a Judgment--with findings of fact and court orders on the above subjects. That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support. You might think that a legal divorce will solve your problems, but it probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. Your real divorce is about ending one life and beginning another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been dealt. Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of practical problems. How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are feeling. The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges: Emotional: This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships. Physical: Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful when driving. Practical: This is about taking care of business on the physical plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce. Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce won't cost a dime! This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues described above. Learn more by going to Divorce Solutions. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce? Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage. The Heart Moves On: Using Ceremony to Mark the End of a Relationship Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you deal with two different sets of issues. Reasons For Divorce; What Constitutes Viable Reasons For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce? According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages ended in divorce and 60% of remarriages end in divorce. But, the Center for Disease Control also found that 96% of Americans express a personal desire for marriage, and almost three-quarters of Americans believe marriage is a life long commitment. I imagine that there are somewhat similar statistics worldwide. Guide To Reducing The Cost Of Divorce Seven Tips to help you keep more of your money at a time when you especially need it to support two households instead of one. Seven Sets of Documents You Need For Your Divorce Even if you believe your case will ultimately be agreed to and settled without a trial, you will be in a much better position if you already have the relevant documents in your possession. Better safe than sorry. 7 Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion after Divorce Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person's life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living "out of the habit" of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. How to Recover From Divorce As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I have developed this list of survival strategies for people who are experiencing divorce. If you or someone you love is in this situation, I hope these ideas will help you. Post-Divorce Alimony in Texas This article provides a brief overview on Texas law concerning post-divorce alimony in Texas. Laws differ from state to state and individual circumstances vary, so you should consult with a qualified family law attorney in your area for specific advice on your particular situation. Additionally, this article deals only with post-divorce alimony. It does not address temporary alimony, which is provided for under a different provision of the Texas Family Code. Two Kinds of Alimony: Contractual and Court Ordered maintenanceThere are two kinds of post-divorce alimony in Texas: contractual alimony and court ordered maintenance. The Texas Family Code also provides authority for the court to order temporary alimony which occurs while a divorce is pending. However, temporary alimony is outside the scope of this article and will not be addressed.Contractual AlimonyContractual alimony is based on an agreement between the parties in their divorce decree. For tax purposes, contractual alimony is normally deemed income to the receiving party and is deductible from the income of the paying party. Since contractual alimony must be based on an agreement of the parties, there are no limits to the possible amount or duration of the alimony. Court Ordered Maintenance Court ordered maintenance is provided for by Texas Family Code Chapter Eight. Although actually awarded in only a small percentage of Texas divorces, the court has the right to order one spouse to pay the other post-divorce maintenance in either of two circumstances:1. The payor spouse either received deferred adjudication or was convicted of a crime constituting family violence within two years of the filing of the divorce case, or2. The parties have been married at least ten years and the receiving spouse has some kind of financial limitation (disability, unable to work because caring for the party's child, or lacks earning ability to meet minimum reasonable needs).The monthly amount of court ordered maintenance is capped at the lesser of: a) $2,500 or b) 20% of the monthly payor's gross income.The maximum duration of court ordered maintenance is three years. The only exception is when maintenance is ordered as the result of a disability, in which case the duration can potentially extend indefinitely. ConsiderationsWhere there is a large disparity in incomes alimony can sometimes be used as a useful settlement tool. Since alimony is generally taxable to the receiving party and deductible to the paying party it can be often structured so that it is advantageous to both parties.For example, a party in a high tax bracket can agree to make monthly alimony payments in exchange for a more favorable property division. If the receiving party is in a lower tax bracket, the overall income tax paid could be significantly lower than what it would be otherwise. Another factor to consider is how rarely Texas trial courts order maintenance, absent an agreement. The statute allows for maintenance only when the specific statutory circumstances have been proven. There are several appellate cases that have reversed trial court decisions ordering maintenance when the requesting party did not provide sufficient proof that the standard had been met. In cases where there is a large amount of community property, one of the most effective arguments in attempting to defeat a maintenance claim is that the requesting party will have ample resources to provide for their needs since the party will receive a significant amount of assets from the division of property.Another common argument used to defeat a maintenance claim is that, during the pendency of the divorce, the requesting party has not made significant attempts to either obtain employment or obtain training that would allow the party to obtain employment. As an example, lets take a divorce case where the wife is requesting maintenance on the grounds that the marriage is longer than ten years and that she lacks the earning ability to meet her minimum reasonable needs. If the case has been pending for several months and at the time of trial she has still made no effort to obtain employment or improve her job skills, it will be a difficult claim to succeed upon. The court is unlikely to find that she is "unable" to meet her reasonable minimum needs and more likely to believe that she is unwilling to take the necessary steps in order to provide for her own support.ConclusionAlimony in Texas, while rarely ordered, is an important and complicated issue. It can be used as an effective settlement tool and can potentially be a significant trial issue. For someone involved in a Texas divorce case with a potential alimony issue, the issue should be discussed in detail with an experienced divorce lawyer. Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles to Agreement: Ten Steps You're going to want to be working on your divorce agreement outside the legal system, because the things you can do to help yourself outside the legal system are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you. But please don't just walk up to your spouse and start negotiating. First, you want to do something about the obstacles to agreement. This means that before you get down to negotiating your real issues, you have to: calm emotional upset, reduce fears and balance the bargaining power of both parties; get reliable information and advice; and learn how to get safe, reliable help if you need it. Reasons You Arent Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or... Stay Married What Are You Waiting For? So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but for whatever reason, you and your spouse have decided to stay together "for the sake of the children". Steps Toward Divorce When you're faced with the possibility of divorce it's important that you make sure you and your children (if you have any) are taken care of. Before you even visit the attorney you'll want to assess your financial situation. Income, expenses, child support, credit, they all play a part in your decision. Divorce--How to Beat the System Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal of your legal divorce--but you don't want to go through the adversarial legal system to get it. You don't want to get all tangled up with lawyers and courts, because the system is designed to work against you. How To Identify What The Question Should I Get a Divorce? Means To You Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not is an agonizing experience to go through. If you are asking yourself "should I get a divorce?", you've been thinking about your relationship's state for a while or an isolated incident (an example is an extramarital affair) that occurred was so terrible, that you want to just chuck it all and start over with a new life! Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even tougher for people who are divorced and widowed. Along with the fears of being "out of practice," there are often children's feelings to consider. Deciding On Spousal Support No matter which side you are on, spousal support is something that will need to be taken care of during a divorce. Something must be decided about spousal support, yet, where are you to begin? What are you going to do to resolve this issue of spousal support? Are you afraid to ask for what you already know you deserve, support? Or, are you on the other side, wondering what is going to be required of you as far as spousal support goes? Marriage Seperation - A Practical Guide Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly with regards to the mortgage and household bills. When marriage seperation is inevitable obviously both parties need somewhere to stay and often it can be quite difficult to sell one property and then try to finance two. Some couples agree to keep the existing property going and one partner move out into rented accommodation for a trial marriage seperation period. This then gives each partner time to reflect and decide what may be better for both parties. However, both parties in marriage seperation have to live and are sometimes eligible for single parent help should they have children. This, together with child maintenance, could help with their financial situation considerably. How to Use a Divorce Lawyer You want three things in your divorce attorney: expertise in divorce, reliability, and a good attitude. You want a lawyer who specializes in divorce (at least 50% of his/her case load), and unless you're expecting a no-holds-barred battle, you want a lawyer trained in divorce mediation who practices it professionally. Mediation-minded attorneys are more likely to give you neutral and problem-solving advice, whereas traditional attorneys tend to be more oriented to conflict and their advice tends to be adversarial. Your attorney must be someone you can trust and work with comfortably, someone who has your confidence. Once you've found the right lawyer, here are some tips on how you can use your attorney in ways that will make your divorce go as smoothly and inexpensively as possible. Using a lawyer efficiently. The most important thing is to be very well prepared whenever you contact a lawyer. Know your facts, know what you want to ask about, and know exactly what you want the lawyer to explain or do for you. Plan each conversation; make an agenda; write down the things you want to talk about; take notes on the content of the conversation; keep track of time spent on all phone calls and meetings. Keep a file for all your notes and all letters and documents. Do as much as possible on the phone and by mail to keep the office time at a minimum. Regard your attorney as a resource, not someone you cling to or depend on for emotional support and stability. A lawyer is not the right person to make your decisions or lead your life--you are. Lawyers cost too much for you to use them for sympathy and consolation--that's what family, friends and counselors are for. When you talk to a lawyer, stick to the facts and don't just chat, ramble, or complain about things your spouse did unless you actually want your lawyer to do something about it. Don't take your anger to an attorney; you want your best interests represented, not your emotions. Taking control of your own case. Being in control of your own case and your own life is the single best thing you can do in any divorce, so it is essential that you have a lawyer who can work cheerfully on that basis. If you are well prepared and business like, that will help the lawyer see that you are in charge of things, but you should actually say that's how you want it to be. Tell the lawyer that you want good advice and will rely on the lawyer's experience, but that you expect to make decisions that concern the tone and strategy of the case. Ask that you be sent copies of all documents and letters. Let the attorney know that you expect phone calls to be answered by the next working day. These little things let the lawyer know you are the boss. After all, you pay the bills. Using a lawyer for specific tasks. Instead of hiring a lawyer to get you a divorce, it may be far more cost-effective to use the lawyer just for information or advice on specific subjects. That may be all the legal help you will need. If not, you can always go back for more help later. After you have organized all your facts and read about how the law works in your case, if you still have questions about the law or what the likely outcome will be in your county, write all your questions down and ask a lawyer. You may decide to have a lawyer help with your marital settlement agreement, either to draft one or just to check over one you have made yourself. If you get stuck or confused at any point in your divorce, that's a good time to go for help. The more specific and prepared you can be, the more you will get for your money. My book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better explains the process of divorce so you can become well-informed, and is full of information to help you get organized and prepared before you see a lawyer. It even includes worksheets to help gather all your information together. You will also find lots of practical advice on how to deal with your emotions during divorce, and an example of a marital settlement agreement that will help you create your own. For more information, go to www.nolodivorce.com. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman 5 Things To Do Before You Even Think About Getting A Divorce There are many steps to take to protect yourself in a divorce. This article will get you started. Your best bet is to talk to a lawyer before you do anything.
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